the trails of Kathrin

I wanted to add "tribulations" but that sounds just too much.
So I went for my scan and aside from the seriously gross tasting medicine that tasted no worse or better than expected, i was given a clean bill of health. No nasty cancer lurking about in this beautiful body! This time however I wasn't given that icky iodine or something injection, the one that makes you think you've peed when you haven't and although that's a blessing, it's also some bad news. Kathrin, my remaining kidney (Nerina was removed) (an informative aside, in our family we give names to inanimate objects, my car is Little Em, my daughter's sewing machine is Bettie), is not so well. It has to do with creatinine levels which signifies some sort of lack of work ethic on the part of Kathrin... damn, the bitch is not doing her bit to keep me hale and healthy.

Now I must WATCH my potassium levels. How does one do that? "No, no Potty, mommy's watching you. play nicely with Calcium now, don't crowd everybody out of the game, there's a good chemical". And Potassium is everywhere in particular in Tropical fruit which I love. The next person to see is the nice nephrologist who will tell me to collect ALL my pee over a 24 hour period and then he'll tell me how my kidney really Feels. By the way, its much easier for a man to do the pee reclaiming thing but it takes some ingenuity and a certain amount of agility for a woman to do it and remember, not a drop is to be spilt!

But the brave will soldier on, afterall what else is there to do?

Little bit of this, little bit of that.

For the first time in two years I will be seeing the oncologist eye to eye on Friday 28 Feb. usually I go for my scan and her kindly secretary phones me to tell me I'm OK. it is exceedingly good to hear from an outside source that you are OK otherwise how would you know? so with my stamp of OK I live through the following 5 months and three weeks and in the week before my scan, I plan my funeral. Now I'm to see the doctor. I'm hoping she'll also tell me I'm OK, so OK in fact that I only need another scan in a years time. my funeral plans will fall behind, but I'm prepared to make the sacrifice.
I hate the time before a scan. not even my scars remind me so deeply that I have had or do have cancer as much as the time before a scan
this past Saturday i attended a buddy meeting. the aim of this group is to get cancer survivors to be of support to newly diagnosed people. We attent training sessions and this past Saturday we learnt about stepping alongside someone with end stage disease. The lecture was excellent with clear guidelines served with large dollops of common sense and I knew if push comes to shove i would rather be in Philadelphia than try to help someone on their final journey and yet, i did it for my mother. i suppose it's best not to pre-judge yourself, if you have to, you will rise to the occasion...I hope.
As for Valentine's day, my husband brought home the most beautiful bunch of elegant longstemmed roses and even now, as they unfurl, the house is filled with their scent. I'm lucky, I often get flowers but these roses are quite spectacular. my minimalist arrangement (sticking them randomly into a long vase) also works well. If only I could say the same of my studies but that's another long story.

"February is the cruellest month"

Sorry TS Elliot, but to me April is just fine, it's February that's a bit bothersome. People start to lose the "Happy new year" joys and the grind of the year sets in. In addition February is my one month of sobriety. After indulging in December a little sobriety seems appropriate and I've chosen February for the simple reason its the shortest month of the year! It's such a habit I almost don't notice it and last year, after February I sort of found I'd lost my appetite for gin and tonic, besides it gives me a headache (What a drag it is getting old!) So it's force of habit but "they" do say if you feel the need for a time of sobriety, obviously you've got a problem!! Ah me... tis a problem to be sure! Drink and be damned, desist and you admit to a problem you've never really thought you had, so either way... here's to a restful February.

A day of rest?

Remember those sublime restful sundays that appear on commercials? In slo-mo the mamma's hair blows out, the papa smiles and the children play. Well today wasn't one of those. it was crazy. I woke up with the cell phone ringing and when I re-phoned it was my niece. She's attending the University of Stellenbosch here. She'd fallen and had hurt her foot. So me, being the type to treat a slight cold like the onset of double pneumonia, rush her off to the emergency clinic where I wait and wait and wait. The doctor, a young woman who could seriously be my daughter, treats her and tells me she needs stitches and she'll be on crutches for 9 days so now she's staying with me and tomorrow I will be doing a general commute to the campus. other than that, I wish I had someone like me in my life, ready to drop all to help but since that's not possible I do the best I can and I'm certainly a great aunt and an even better sister. Furthermore my keyboard is so ancient the letters have worn away, making typing even more interesting than before. In a novel they'd call this stream of conscious writing but actually it's a bit UNconscious, I'm just blabbing away into the silence of my house. Actually, come to think of it, this blogging thing sort of escapes me, Yes I know, I'm doing it as well. And I SO enjoy reading Janell's blog, It's sort of out loud musings and a visit into her life written with honesty and humour. I'm reserved, I even edit and re-edit my diary!! Ye gods and little fishies, how paranoid is that. So in a sense this is private in a sort of public way. But it's not the whole truth.
My hamster (she's really MINE, not a child's pet but mine) had a narrow escape. FatCat nearly had her for a late night snack. i was petrified that she'd die. I'm not into animals dying. last year my cat Ayesha died and I'm still in mourning. Crazy but I miss her more than my mother. And that's more or less that.

New YeaR

My new years resolutions are important to me. It's a mini attempt at changing myself bit by bit and so far it seems to work. Last year I decided to eat only one plate and I did, losing 9kg's and changing my lifestyle. Hooray for me!!!! This year, my resolution destined to be successful is, I will not do hard drugs. At the end of the year at least I KNOW I will have had one success. Then My to-do resolution is; I want to drive in such a way that I avoid speed tickets... A more difficult one since I'm a speed freak! The Personal one is; I will be honest with myself, after all who loses out but me if I lie to myself? The let's-finish-this-one is I MUST finish my thesis!!! And strangely the most difficult one is the one I make to spoil myself in some way. Last year I resolved to wear perfume every day and I Failed...tsk, tsk. So far I've not come up with one, but I give myself time till end of Jan to think. If anyone out there has a meaningful suggestion, I'm all ears!

Perspectives

Last night at about this time I spoke to a dear and old friend. he talked about his terrible pain, a pain that doctors could not diagnose. He spoke of how doctors lost interest if their solution failed. He told of the anti-depressants he was on. My last words to him were, "Ek hoop jou pyn gee jou rus vanaand." "I hope your pain gives you respite tonight." This morning my son called. Krikkie Kruger a dear and long-time friend had died of a massive heart attack. He was only 51 years old.
" And they, since they
Were not the one dead, turned to their affairs" (Frost)

Today I mourned, in tears and memories. Death is always always too soon.

Just a thought

It's quite late. The house is quiet except for the cat. She needs a room. my study is out of bounds because the hamster lives here. I think I'm 5 seconds away from giving up on capital letters, I so often mistype them. I'm not e e cummings but I think he had a point, it's just easier and he made it into poetry.
I'm not sure why I write this blog. I hate the schlep of getting here, I often lose my posts I prefer the written word. Tonight I have no answer.