Thomas Mann said, "Waiting we say, is long. We might just as well - or more accurately - say it is short, since it consumes whole spaces of time without our living them or making any use of them much."
So thats what I've been doing. On 7 Feb I entered the oncologist's office to start the laborious procedure of planning a CT scan. The scan was duly undertaken on 15 Feb and on 18 Feb I received glad tidings, I'm still NED!! hallelujah. But why the delay? I know, and have repeatedly been told, "the doctor's busy" and in a fit of pique my retort to this was, "Yes dear, I know the doctor's time is holy but mine is short." I am sure of only one thing, the anger and paradox of that statement escaped the receptionist.
So this much I know, next time I will also wait and I also know waiting, when you wait for news about cancer does not get easier. The waiting spaces of time that I spend "not living" in Mann's words, are piling up and I'm losing great chunks of worthwhile life that I cannot retrieve, ever.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
"do not go gentle into that good night"
"but rage rage against the dying of the light".
What ho, the philosophical poet doth entereth!
Dylan Thomas wrote this poem, it is said, for his dying father. Makes me wonder though, should you fight against death or should you go gently? It is after all a "Good night".
Of course my wondering has at its core nasty old cancer, the thing that prompts a perhaps hastier shuffling of the mortal coil that one would have liked or chosen.
My scans are due so thoughts of mortality abound.
Another internet friend also seems to be losing the fight against cancer. Notice how one "fights" cancer but not measles, mumps or a heart attack. My question is this, is the fight worthwhile if you die in the end? It's not a question that I ask lightly or that arises from a sense of scorn at those who DO fight. When someone engages in a fight against cancer, they become awe-inspiring, people who transcend some of the shit that is part of life, their energy humour and determination leaves me breathless. I just want to know, is it worth it?
What ho, the philosophical poet doth entereth!
Dylan Thomas wrote this poem, it is said, for his dying father. Makes me wonder though, should you fight against death or should you go gently? It is after all a "Good night".
Of course my wondering has at its core nasty old cancer, the thing that prompts a perhaps hastier shuffling of the mortal coil that one would have liked or chosen.
My scans are due so thoughts of mortality abound.
Another internet friend also seems to be losing the fight against cancer. Notice how one "fights" cancer but not measles, mumps or a heart attack. My question is this, is the fight worthwhile if you die in the end? It's not a question that I ask lightly or that arises from a sense of scorn at those who DO fight. When someone engages in a fight against cancer, they become awe-inspiring, people who transcend some of the shit that is part of life, their energy humour and determination leaves me breathless. I just want to know, is it worth it?
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