Sunday, August 29, 2010
Chicken
Sometimes I feel like a chicken that has learnt a fabulous trick on a high wire and if everything is in perfect synchronised harmony I can manage the trick by focussing my tiny chicken mind but if one teeny tiny thing is off-kilter I slip and fall into a quagmire of chaos from which there is no return
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
"And Cancer has given you what?"
What have I benefitted/learned/acquired/lost because of cancer?
The "lost" is the easy one, I've lost peace and a piece of mind, I've lost the ease of the question "How are you?", and oh yes, I've lost a kidney and an adrenal gland. The last one reminds me of Oscar Wilde's famous words, "to lose one parent (substitute "kidney") must be regarded as a misfortune, but to lose both looks like carelessness!" So for fear of being careless, I take better care of the remaining one.
I've acquired a great deal of knowledge, I know about my cancer I know how other people deal with it, I even know much more about death. I've acquired wonderful new internet friends and I've aquired a sense of awe at the human spirit and its ability to soldier on despite some terrible odds.
I have learned to trust my own judgement, I've learned that most people are kind, most doctors really try their best. I've learned that sometimes I cope better and sometimes I fall apart and that beating up on myself is useless. I've learned that help often comes in the strangest forms and I've learned that I don't need to be the cleverest person anymore.
And the benefits?
"Is there anything good about having cancer for you?" Rebecca asked these words of her mom, Onesillymama and those words made me think very hard. Just off the bat I think I would say no, but then I realise something, subsequent to my diagnosis I've been having a tough time in some of my personal relationships. Previously I'd have crumbled into a wailing ball of snot but now... I'm much more resilient and weirdly enough, much more selfish. When problems threaten to overwhelm me, I know that if I can't do anything about them, all I can do is take care of myself so that at least I'm standing fairly upright in the chaos.
And by the way, I now know that as a student I actually suck so while I'm at it I'd better enjoy it and the world as we know it won't stop revolving if I don't get my degree this year.
The "lost" is the easy one, I've lost peace and a piece of mind, I've lost the ease of the question "How are you?", and oh yes, I've lost a kidney and an adrenal gland. The last one reminds me of Oscar Wilde's famous words, "to lose one parent (substitute "kidney") must be regarded as a misfortune, but to lose both looks like carelessness!" So for fear of being careless, I take better care of the remaining one.
I've acquired a great deal of knowledge, I know about my cancer I know how other people deal with it, I even know much more about death. I've acquired wonderful new internet friends and I've aquired a sense of awe at the human spirit and its ability to soldier on despite some terrible odds.
I have learned to trust my own judgement, I've learned that most people are kind, most doctors really try their best. I've learned that sometimes I cope better and sometimes I fall apart and that beating up on myself is useless. I've learned that help often comes in the strangest forms and I've learned that I don't need to be the cleverest person anymore.
And the benefits?
"Is there anything good about having cancer for you?" Rebecca asked these words of her mom, Onesillymama and those words made me think very hard. Just off the bat I think I would say no, but then I realise something, subsequent to my diagnosis I've been having a tough time in some of my personal relationships. Previously I'd have crumbled into a wailing ball of snot but now... I'm much more resilient and weirdly enough, much more selfish. When problems threaten to overwhelm me, I know that if I can't do anything about them, all I can do is take care of myself so that at least I'm standing fairly upright in the chaos.
And by the way, I now know that as a student I actually suck so while I'm at it I'd better enjoy it and the world as we know it won't stop revolving if I don't get my degree this year.
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